So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
where am i from again
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
