Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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