u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
