recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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