I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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