Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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