I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
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