I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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