Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
