Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
