There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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