I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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