On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Randomize
