I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
My balls are so social today.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize