i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
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