Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
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