i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
