Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
True strength comes from lack of pants
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
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