everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize