my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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