whats a polygalesbian?
lesbian polygamists..duh.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Randomize
