Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize