I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
