Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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