i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
