My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
