she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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