please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
