I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
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