So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
