I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
There's always time for handjobs
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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