you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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