I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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