wakey wakey hands off snakey
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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