I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
did you just send me my own nude
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Randomize
