Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
