Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
