Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
