Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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