I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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