bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
