I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
