Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize