I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
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