The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize
