I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
