i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
