i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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