every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
My penis needs a shock collar
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize