Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
