Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
