It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Randomize
