I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
