Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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