So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Randomize
