Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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