3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
