careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
