Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
