i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
