just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
