I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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