You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I just want to make out with him forever
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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