Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
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