just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize