I think i peed on brittanys purse
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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