Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
