I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Randomize
