I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Randomize
