my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
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