My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
