No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
dude i'm inner monologue high
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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