Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Randomize
