one might say we're banned from that church
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
