If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Randomize
