I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
